The Art of Annoying People in a Lift

After my many encounters with rude and annoying people in the lift (because I live in an apartment), it has inspired me to come up with a list of things to do to annoy these people back (Oh...revenge IS sweet). Feel free to add in a few lines yourself. You see, I have learnt the Malaysian way which is: If you can't beat them, join them.

1. When the lift door opens (make sure there are ppl around lah), push your way through the crowd so that you enter the lift first. Next, CLOSE the lift door even when people are still trying to get in.
2. While in the lift, fart loudly and give a sigh of relief. Take a deep breathe, smile and go "Mmmm..."
3. Talk loudly on your mobile (in the lift) and go "Hello?..Hello?..HELLO?" repeatedly..until the lift door opens and exit.
4. Keep starring at the person in the lift until he/she feels uncomfortable. And when he/she finally looks at you in annoyance, you roll your eyes and say "So sensitive".
5. When the lift door closes, start panicking, squeezing yourself in the back of the lift and say "We are going to die....we are going to die!!"
6. Slowly inch yourself closer to the person next to you. When he/she realizes this and moves away, slowly inch yourself towards them again. Do this until he/she exits the lift.
7. Pee in your pants and say loudly "My...is it me? Or is it raining in here?"
8. While in the lift, scream as if you're on a roller-coaster ride. Just before you exit, say "Phew.. that was one helluva ride!"
9. Bring a box of popcorn with you. While in the lift throw them in the air and say "It's snowing!!"
10. When you enter the lift, "accidentally" step on everyone's feet and say sorry. And as you exit, do the same.
11. As you enter the lift, ask "Which floor do I go to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?"
12. When you catch someone looking at you, overreact by saying "Stop starring at my boobies and stop stalking me or else I'll call the police!"
13. If you see someone carrying a lot of things, "accidentally" nudge into him/her. When he/she bends over to pick them up, quickly move behind the person and dry-hump him/her.
14. When someone is exiting a lift. Push their head from behind so they exit faster.
15. "What are you guys doing in MY lift??"
16. Turn to your "imaginary friend" and giggle "Hehehee...they can't see you.."
17. Ask the stranger next to you "So...my place or yours?"
18. Grab your crotch, wince, smack yourself on the forehead, and say "Aiyah...forgot to wear my underwear AGAIN!"
19. Carry a water-gun. Whenever you catch anyone talking, you squirt them and say "Silence!".
20. Sit on the lift floor, look up someone's skirt and say "Hah! I know what colour you're wearing! hahaha!"

The art of destroying pictures

You know when your whole family has one of those 'reunion' dinners/get-togethers, it will usually be accompanied by countless of photo-taking sessions. But of course, everyone will be dressed up to their 9's and 6's...just for a family dinner. And again, when it's time to take pictures, the aunties will usually insist the photo session to be put on hold while they rush to the nearest mirror to get themselves dolled up. We younger ones on the other hand will be standing and waiting, rolling our eyes and snickering about how funny it is that it mattered so much to look good on film. So being true descendents of the Choo family (although I'm actually Kelabit, but my mom's chinese, therefore, I'm technically still considered a descendent of the Choo family), we did not only inherit the good side of the bloodline, we also did (to the dismay of all our aunties and uncles) inherit the mischevious side. See, through the many stories passed down to us through my 'ah ma' (granny in Hokkien), we have concluded that my mom's generation was quite the naughty one. Imagine 8 siblings living under 1 roof. I'll leave that to your imagination.

Anyways, back to my point here. We are all blessed with a good/weird sense of humor. Some people may find it sickening. Some people find it incomprehensible. But for my cousins, sister, and I, we just find it a hell lot of fun. Our latest is what we love to call "Distroy all picture" trick. It's when a family photo session is taking place, we'd pretend to pose nicely for the camera..and just seconds before the click of the camera, we'd change our poses into something horrendous. Knowing that the aunties & uncles are quite particular about taking the 'perfect' family picture, we figured this is the best way to get at them.

I would advise that you'll need a lot of practice to pull this off:

1st of all, you'll need the cooperation from all your siblings and cousins.

2nd, they must be of the same wavelength as you.

3rd, you better make sure that every silly pose you make would surely come out so wrong in the picture.

4th, you must master the art of changing your pose from proper to improper within a blink of an eye...like I said, you must anticipate the moment the photographer clicks his camera.

Everything must be done with precission timing. Or if changing poses are too much to do, try something simpler like the "half open - half close" eye trick or easier still, just keep blinking your eyes really fast..you will still be able to get the same effect. If you are creative enough, here's when the props come in. Be it a soft toy, or a kids toy gun. Anything goes. Just use your imagination. Once you're reached the Advanced stage, that's when you get one of your cousins/siblings (who is not going to be in the photo taking session) to jump right in front of the group, thus blocking the camera from the group and the photgrapher ends up taking him instead of everyone else..OR..a prop can come in handly. Just get your sibling/cousin to slide the prop in view (just make sure no one notices it. not even the cameraman).

Here's a couple of sample for you to practice at home with your siblings and cousins:

The "blinking eye" pose.

Notice how how I look.

Try to look like you're

smiling naturally but

with your eyes closed.

This is the 'art of

changing poses'.

Only do this after

you've fully

mastered the

"blinking eye" pose.








Combination pose. The

"blinking eye" + "art of

changing pose".

With props. My sis & I

stood behind the group

so that they wouldn't

spot the props.In this

case, it was our little

cousin's toy guns.








Combination. The

props (my sis and I

in the background)

+ My little cousin

who jumped in front

of the group at the

click of the camera

(too bad he's too short

to block everyone).





The hardest to pull off.

Notice anything? If

you look closely, there's

a toy gun on the left

side of the picture. My

cousin managed to

slip this in view of the camera without anyone noticing.

Well, happy trying. If you need more tips, you know who to call. :) I'll be very happy to be at your service.

Talking crap

Just when I thought 2007 will be the year where I cut down on partying, I find myself doing just the opposite. Being the sort of person who wouldn't want to miss out on anything, I couldn't resist the nightlife. But this time, I'm much more observant with the environment that I'm in (maybe it comes with age..haha!). Instead of hitting the dancefloor like I used to, I find myself having conversations with random ppl despite the loud music. One time, a guy friend came up to me and dragged me to the bar to have a drink with him. After what seemed to be like an endless conversation about girls, music, and human behavior, he turned to me and asked:

"I heard you like bad boys"
"Where did you hear that from?"
"Haha..Come on, Xavy. Does not take an idiot to see that!"
"I'm not looking for one."
"So, what type of guy do you think I am?"
"I don't know."
"I like to think that I'm a bad boy."
"Oh, reaalllyyy? Good for you."
"So, meaning there's a higher chance of you liking me, maybe?"
"I like nice guys."
"But I thought you like bad boys?"
"I never said I like bad boys."
"I can be a nice guy."
"I don't think so.."

Ouch....That must've hurt real bad. I must say, it must be the age and the amount of alcohol consumed that made me so cocky. Hahaha. Just watching someone's face wince in pain is so priceless. I'm not a mean person. But with the presence of alcohol in my blood, I have no control of the words I use. It's a very Sagittarian thing to do...it's called "Foot-in-Mouth" Disease. Therefore, to anyone out there who has been the victim of my doing, I do apologize.